well, i was sitting here this morning in the computer lab looking at my syllabus for ENG266 (modern american literature) when i realized that i wasn't really excited about anything that i was reading on those pieces of paper. not just tired (although i am tired), really just not excited at all. what happened to the leif that came to nc state and spent all that time looking through the course catalog, underlining and starring and circling the courses i wanted to take ? gone ? maybe. i hope not though.
my theory is that i'm burning out. not on weed, thank goodness, just on school. after spending three of the past four years taking too many classes, semester after semester, i'm just getting really sick of being here. school isn't exciting any more. it's boring. i sit in class and doodle or work on personal projects (like beatbox or this web site) but whatever i'm supposed to be learning has become a game. i learn for the quiztestexam, but then it completely departs. not just departs, even. i evict those facts from my brain space : good riddance !
another thing i'm really getting sick of is Raleigh. after traveling around some to other cities and other rural areas, i'm finding out that Raleigh is just about one of the dullest places i've ever been. even Durham has character, and Chapel Hill is pretty ... Raleigh is unenlightened, apathetic, and humid. having a car is a fact of life because neither the citizens nor the government realized the difference public transportation could make in a place like this. the graffiti and the techno scenes are almost nonexistent. i just got back from Montreal, which was a thoroughly enjoyable city in a thoroughly enjoyable landscape. the trip served in a big way to reinforce just how much i no longer want to be here.
aie, though, i've still got a year of school left. maybe i'll be able to bury myself in some interesting computer lab research with the beowulf cluster and just pretend that the outside world will wait for me to leave this place. but all those aspirations of making super-good grades, of reading all the books in the library, of developing my own photos in a closet darkroom, they're all taking back burner status as i start to lose aspiration and inspiration in place of boredom. i think i'll go to the Dragon for lunch and see if i can drown my sorrows in a plate of lo mein.
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